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Below is an intro for the new home of her humor and satire column Kat's Korner of the World.

Go to Kat's Korner now

The following is not meant to offend anyone and if it does too damn bad. Boy does that sound like me or what? *smile* The following poem (I use this term very loosely) was written to help us Americans begin to smile. It is written with only a hint of seriousness.-- Kat

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An American Scorned
by Katherine West

There once was a crazy madman who lived in a cave
Osama Bin Ladin was his pretentious, silly name
He hated all in the home of the free and the brave
We just thought the tyrant was ignorant and lame

Until he bombed America early one fair day
It became apparent; he's schitzo-- psycho-- one sick shit
Who knows or cares just how or why he got this way
We all know that his terror tactics are really a childish fit

Was his daddy too busy counting his blocks of gold?
Perhaps his turban doesn't fit or was wrapped too tight
Maybe to the devil his evil, empty soul was sold.
Naw.. he's just a six foot four bully picking a fight

We could muse all day about how he got so whacked
Was it the itch from that killer case of sand crabs
Maybe it was the size of his kosher weinie that lacked
Who can tell about some of these fundamentalist Arabs

Anything good like truth, justice, and the American way
Can set off an evil, angry little boy in shiek's clothes
Maybe his camel pissed in his Cheerios that day
Or something else got his skirts in a bunch we suppose

America was hit and yes we cried tears of horror
In any case, Osama Bin Ladin you've been warned..
George W has promised to come knocking at your cave door
Like a woman, hell hath no fury like an American scorned

Copyright Katherine West 2001

Did you know that you're affluent?
(This is from Kat's Korner of the World by Katherine West)

Well, you are reading this, so you must be. You see magazine publishers are under the impression that if you read, you are affluent. I came to this conclusion after reading the top 100 list of magazine markets in the Writer's Digest special yearbook 2001 issue. This list rates a periodical on its friendliness to freelancers. Anyhow as I perused the list, something caught my attention. All of these magazines felt that their audience was affluent.

No matter the theme of the publication or the target market audience, the magazines almost all said that they aim at the affluent readers. Now either these publications are delusional or there are more affluent people out there than the last census showed. I must be traveling in the wrong circles or something. I don't know all that many truly affluent people. Do you? I think that they must be using a very broad sense of the word to describe moderately educated individuals who are somewhat interested in what the magazine offers.

Isn't that why we buy a particular magazine? Usually it is. We like a feature story or the magazine has a nice look and feel and articles that interest us. We don't look down our nose at the magazine cover and say, "Oh but this just is not AFFLUENT enough for a person such as me." Puleaze! I think that some of these magazines are a bit full of themselves. During my perusal of this list, I saw so many humorous things. I decided right then and there that I just had to write an article for Kat's Korner about this very topic. I told Kelly, my husband, that I was going to have some fun with this one.

5 funny things that I found out about print publications:

1. I found out that some publishers prefer bad poetry. A rural living type of magazine (I won't name any names) on the list asked for poetry that told a story but that didn't use images. The poetry could be humorous but it had to tell a story. Poetry without images.. Isn't that bad poetry? It is at least flat and unenlightened if you ask me. I guess that this publication felt that poetry that evoked imagery and deep emotion was just beyond their readers. No deep cow paddy poems for this farm/rural living magazine. No Siree! They just want good ol' fashioned ditties about how Clara the cow overcame her fear of bells or some such nonsense.

2. I found out that magazine publishers must not want us non-affluent souls to buy their magazine either. We are not their target audience. The articles on fancy topics would just confuse us poor slobs. No they would rather we keep our money for periodicals such as the rural living digest I mentioned above.

3. The magazines that have the most pretentious and snobby arrogance noticeable in their brief descriptions are the LEAST affluent of all the magazines. Imagine that!

4. The very best periodicals- the ones that have been hailed for their excellence for decades- were the least snotty in their demographics information and writer guidelines. I guess that they don't have anything to prove.

5. The local magazines based in cities like Boston and Baltimore were the pickiest of all. Why doesn't this surprise me? We must keep up East Coast appearances you know, Daaaaaarling.

I hope that you enjoyed my pokes at the publishing world. See you next week! -Kat

Copyright Katherine West 2001

Note: The author is referring to a conventional husband. You know the ones I mean.. Those lazy couch potatoes that suck on a can of coke and flip the channels with their remote while their wife cooks them supper after they BOTH worked a full day. I am not referring to those men that are jewels- the ones who cook AND clean, even after working. Jewels? Hell, you're saints! (Kat gets on both her knees and bows.)

Who is Mom?

We are the people that remember where your belt is. We are the people who do your laundry and cook your meals. We hug the kids and put Band-Aids on each boo-boo. We are the ones who chauffeur the kids to and from every one of their social and scholastic engagements. We're the people who ALWAYS clean the bathtub. It's us that takes those pesky containers (the empty ones) out of the cupboards and fridge, and tosses them in the trash. We take care of all those little things, and we do all the big things too.

Usually we even pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, and make the doctor's appointments. Us Moms are the ones who do most of the household chores, and there are many statistics to support this! Women generally are responsible for 79-95% of all household responsibilities, depending on the study that you read. Women generally spend in excess of 50 hours per week doing household chores. When you add this to the 40+ hours per week that they work, that's a whopping 90-hour week. Show me a man that works those kind of hours, and I will show you a man that is comatose! How do we find the time for all these hours, especially when we work full-time? We don't! Things get left undone. It is a cruel fact of life; we can't do everything!

I just touched on a few of the things we moms do. We haven't even grazed the iceberg yet. Even though I am a stay-at-home mom, I am also a working mom. How did I manage this elite status? Just lucky I guess. Since I am a writer that works from home, I get to "appear" like a homemaker, but I work full-time. Lucky me, huh? Now, let's tackle the name- stay-at-home-mom? Hmm… This sounds like we are on house arrest. I don't like that term. Let's see… what's that other one? Homemaker? This sounds like we are Martha Stewart wannabes with a buzz saw, and we build houses in our spare time. No... That isn't right either. Housewife- this term was popular prior to circa 1970. This word sounds like it refers to a woman who is married to her house. In some ways I guess it is accurate, but it's just not quite right.

None of these nametags quite fit. Roseanne Barr called herself a domestic goddess. I guess that sounds good, but then I never have seen myself as a goddess. We hardly sit at home eating bonbons and catching up on The Foresters. They are an ultra-chic family on The Bold and the Beautiful (a soap opera) for any of you non-soap watchers out there. No, our lives are not glamorous enough to be called goddesses.

I am the Chief Executive Officer of Social, Medical, Economic, Education, and Transportation Affairs. I must be a psychologist, social worker, chauffeur, mediator, economist, maid, sex therapist, and refuse worker all in one day sometimes! When I am wearing my mom hat, I must be as patient as Mother Theresa (like that would ever happen!) on Prozac. I am Dr. Ruth (six inches taller and 40 years younger of course) with an attitude when I wear my wife hat. We women are diverse creatures that strive to get it all done.

I have often wondered how I stay motivated. We are under-appreciated, underpaid, and often times undersexed. Husbands many times take us stay at home moms for granted, and rarely show us how appreciative they are of just what we do to make their lives easier. We women can be compared to camels, since we are used to going without a drink for a long time. By drink I am referring to a little sip of romance. Us ladies love a good swig every once in awhile, you know! We are who make the world go around- the decision-makers and bed warmers. We are tired and we need a damned drink!

Heard in the Hive #2 by Victor Buhagiar
(Funny but True News Shorts)

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