Hackster Bio's

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BoneTop
Danny Storch - Boney - Vice President Joined association for last two weeks of 1988 season. Has played in a total of 490 rounds. Carries a lifetime scoring average of 40.2. Wow! Carries a lifetime greens in regulation average of 44.3%. And he hits the ever lovin' crap out of the ball. Leads the association with a total of 348 total birds. Holds / Shares several records which include: Low actual on front nine (33), Most greens in regulation for nine holes (9) , Most birds per nine holes (4), Most pars per nine holes (9), Best two-ball score for nine holes (-10), most drives in the fairway for the season (68), and one very impressive record - most consecutive holes without a three putt (76). 8.4 rounds. Yikes, that's pretty awesome. One major tournament victory - 2006 U.S. Open. And he say's "nunya" and "play better "all the time.

CCTop
Mike Weston - CC Joined the association in 2006. Played a total of 143 rounds. Voted MPH (most perfect hackster) just about every year he was in the association. Holds record for largest one day payoff ($36). Which trust me in hack attack land that's a pile of hack attack jack. Two-time major champion (2010 British Open and 2011 U.S. Open). Shares the record for team 2-ball score (-10) and holds record for most $$$ won in the best ball event for the year. This dude is just all about winning money. Has three entries in the "36 and under club." He and Boney as a team are currently ranked #1 in average score (-4.83 in 6 appearances) and He and Z Man as a team are currently ranked #1 in average finish position (1.8 in 5 appearances), and He and Shaggy are ranked #1 in overall score (-44). What a team player! And his Billy Bob Thorton slingblade imitations are well worth the price of admission. Has improved his score each year he's been in the association.

DaveyTop
Dave Allton - Davey, AA - Money Collector passer outer Joined the association on a permanent basis midyear of 1992. Played in 386 total rounds. But he subbed for three of the first five years so he's basically been around since the beginning. Well known for his constant complaining about the handicap system and any player who gets more than two shots a hole. Never tells the president when the hack attack money sack runs out of quarters either. Which is one of the duties of the money collector passer outer. Has played in 386 total rounds. Lifetime average of 41.0 which includes 19 entries in the "36 and under club". He claims that if he would have had his two-ball putter sooner his average would have been even better yet. Holds and shares several records which include: low actual score on the front nine - 33 and team low net - 61. Winner of six major championships - British Open (2001), Masters (2003), and 4 PGA championships (06,08,09,11). He leads the association with a perfect 11-0 record in hack attack tournament playoffs. Wow! And boy-oh-boy when he gets mad he says stuff like gosh dang it and crap and he loves the nightmare burger at the Dalton Dairyette.

PeeweeTop
Matt Plotts - Peewee - President / Statistician / Treasurer / Newspaper writer Joined the association in 1987 on the very first night. Has played a total of 573 rounds. One of the founders of this fine association. Served as president each and every year since the inception. Voted outstanding president by the amateur golf league association of America just about every year he was the president. Boy-oh-boy is he awesome. Well except when it comes to golf. Holds absolutely no records except for most tournament points in a year - 188. Which is a stupid record anyway. Three entries in the "36 and under club." Winner of 4 major tournaments - Masters - (06,11) and British Open (03,05). And all he does is tell everybody how great of a president he is... which gets really old.

ShaggyTop
Larry Criswell - Shaggy Joined the association in 1995. Has played a total of 352 total rounds. Currently the hack attack world number one. Lifetime scoring average of 38.3. Has an incredible 79 entries into the "36 and under club." Holds record for low score in a hack attack event (32 twice) - both were on the back nine. Shares record for low score on the front nine (33). Gets very upset when he shoots under par and wins $3.00 or something like that...but hey, this is the hack attack association. Holds / Shares several records: Greens per nine holes (9), Birds per nine holes (4 - 3 times), combined greens / fairways per nine holes (14 -9 G/5 FW), Pars per nine holes ( 9), best score actual year (37.0), most greens in regulation in a year (135), best greens in regulation % year (65.2%), most par three greens year (26), most birds in a year (30), most pars in a year (138), overall money in a year ($61.10), most top five finishes in a year (19), most consecutive top five finishes in a year (12). And leads with most major tournament wins (7). Whew, I'm tired after all that. Oh, and his "double juicer" belch at the 2005 Inn on the River belch fest took first place narrowly edging out some drunk dude and his woman. And in the last 10 years he's only missed ONE night. WoW EEEEE.... That's dedication.

StaggerleeTop
James Stagerwald - Stags Joined the association in 1993. Played 18 rounds in 93 and 94 and then left. After retiring and building a 50 million acre ranch in Zoar he rejoined the association in 2005. Played a total of 146 total rounds. Dubbed the hack attack maniac, this highly animated hackster is continually reprimanded for his hack attack hi-jinks. Which mostly evolve around the torment of his illegitimate child Toggie. He is well known for his dislike of the current and just about every handicap system every utilized. Hides his extremely competitive nature very well. He can definitely go low. Fired his best round of one-under 35 in 2010 on the back nine. It was a joy to witness. Is one of three members of the "three-peat" club. Won three tourneys in a row back in 2006. Shares the fairways per nine record (7 out of 7) and is currently second on the all-time fairway percentage leaders list (34.5%). That's pretty respectable. And he's leading in 2012. Dudes a fairway hittin' machine. Winner of three major tournaments (2007 British Open, 2010 Masters and U.S. Open). Shares the record for most consecutive team wins (4).

WoodyTop
Feldon Norwood - Woody Joined the association in 1999. Played a total of 206 rounds. Currently ranked 5th in all-time tournament wins. Has one major tournament victory (2011 British Open) and 22 overall tournament victories. Has recently scored the best round of his hack attack career - a 3 over 39 and is currently on track to record his best scoring average of his career. Currently holds the number four spot with CC for overall team scoring average (-3.83) And the dude is a really good singer. His on-course attitude is exemplary.

TimTop
Tim Jones - Tim Jones Joined association in 2012. Played in a total of 10 rounds. So new he doesn't even have a nickname. That's rare. Had his first tournament win in week 10 at the Crowne Plaza Invitational at colonial. He was happy. I think. Dude doesn't show much emotion. Which is good when you iz playin' golf.

HarryTop
Harry Frank - Dirty Harry, Howlin' Harry Joined the association in 2011. Played in a total of 39 rounds. Perfect attendance so far for the second year hackster. Already made his mark by setting the record for low net score on the front nine with a 9 under 27. Wow! Shares the overall lead with Fritch with that 27 too. Also holds the team low net record with Davey (61 net) and already is a major winner, bringing home the 2012 Masters championship. Recently recorded his best round with a one-over 37 and shares the record for most consecutive team wins (4). Has two wins to go with his major tournament win. Leads in wins per tournament ratio (6.5). That means he records a win in every 6.5 tournaments he plays in. Case you didn't know. And he howls when he hits a booming drive.

TogTop
Chris Marshall - J Tog, Toggie - Sergeant of arms and backup money collector passer outer Joined the association in 2002. Has played a total of 239 rounds. And during most of them he was angry. Really angry. Why he's so mean he once shot a man for snoring. Which is why he has to room by himself at the Davey Allton Extravaganza. Shares the record for least putts per nine holes (9). Holds the record for most tournament wins in a year (7), and best ball overall score for the year (-103). He leads the association with 33 tournament wins and is a member of the "three-peat" club. Won back-to-back-to-back hackey tackey tournaments back in 2005. His average has dropped by 7 shots over his ten year hack attack career and is currently on pace to record his best average ever. His over-aggressive swing pattern during his early years has been the subject of many many hack attack news articles. Yells "Mammoth" when he hits a long one. And he does really good Squatch calls.

ZmanTop
Roy Zimmerman - Z Man Joined the association in 2008. Played a total of 97 rounds. Z man ended the 2008 season by winning 3 tournaments in a row. Which put him in the "three-peat club." Also added 7 top five finishes that year. Z Man has eight overall tournament wins - one being the 2009 U.S. Open. Another player that improved his scoring average each year he was in the association while ironically his putting average increased. A testament to his improved ball striking. Has scored his low round of 41 seven times in the five years he's been in the association. And he drives from his job in Cleveland every Thursday night all the way to Zoar and has never complained one stinking bit. Holds the team record with CC for best average finish position (1.8 in 5 appearances). Two tournament wins in 2012 to go with five top five finishes.